Rewriting History

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By wallaceb
Barkin: All right, listen up, field-trippers. Some of you may not think that history is cool or fun or interesting. Fine with me. I'm paid to teach, not entertain.
Kim: Ron!
Ron: I'm awake. Rufus!
Barkin: 100 years ago, the world came to Middleton.
Ron: Where did they all stay?
Barkin: The fair introduced new techno wonders like the Ferris wheel, photographic sound, even ice cream and hamburgers. And that's all peachy swell. But for the next 90 minutes, I'm going to focus on obscure names, dates and statistics.
Ron: Kim, this is a snackage emergency. We need sugar and lots of it. That's what I'm talking about. Wow, look at this. I wonder how old these candies are. No way!
Rufus: Ooh, yeah! Yummy!
Ron: Spark Rocks. I haven't had these bad boys in years. See, when you bite them, they actually send a jolt of static electricity through your soft tissue. My hair standing on end?
Kim: No more so than usual.
Ron: That's funny.
Kim: Maybe it's because they expired when we were in pre-K. Come on.
Barkin: Note the resemblance. My own great grand pap was the chief of police back at the big expo.
Kim: Ron. Shh.
Ron: Kim, check this.
Kim: They look like us.
Barkin: That's right. You both had ancestors at the fair, too.
Kim: "Detective Johnathan Stoppable and ace reporter Meriam Possible"?
Ron: Meriam?
Barkin: Went by Mim in her bylines. From all accounts, she was a lot like you, Possible. Spunky, headstrong, disrespectful.
Kim: I am not! Hey, I wonder why my dad's never mentioned her.
Barkin: Maybe because Mim Possible pulled off the crime of the century.
Kim: My ancestor, criminal of the century?
Ron: Don't worry, Kim, the century was young. I'm sure other people did worse ? eventually.
Kim: Mr. Barkin, what did she do?
Barkin: Vamoosed with some big new invention. It was scandalous.
Bonnie: What's the prob, K? Not the history lesson you were expecting?
Kim: I need to know more.
Barkin: Here you go. According to Grand pap's official report...
Barkin?s Voice: I was patrolling the Expo with Detective Stoppable."
John: Mim thinks we should beef up security around the new invention, the, er, electro whatever it is.
Constable: Detective Stoppable, high-falutin' lady journalists don't make the security decisions around here. I do.
John: Well, she did help us solve the warehouse arson case and she was right about the missing African diamond caper, and she...
Constable: Slam, Stoppable!
DeMenz: Help! Constable, help!
John: Constable?
Constable: I think he means us. Pedal, man! Pedal like the wind.
DeMenz: My greatest invention, stolen!
John: Mim!
Constable: Wake up, man. She played you for a mug, a patsy, a two-bit dupe.
John: You're still mad about the time I accidentally ate your pickled egg, aren't you?
Constable: She sent you off to jawbone me and keep us both busy while she pulled off the heist herself.
John: Mim a thief? I don't believe it, sir.
Ron: I don't believe it, either.
Barkin: There's some additional documentation as to the pickled egg, but I think we get the gist.
Bonnie: And your family had the nerve to stay in this town?
Kim: That's just one Barkin's opinion, Bonnie.
Bonnie: It's not too late to move. You know, start over where people don't know the shame of the Possible name.
Kim: Why have I never heard of you?
Mr. Dr P: I hate to admit it, Kimmie, but all family trees have their weak limbs. Great Aunt Miriam was a real spitfire. A muckraker. Fearless. Could have been the greatest.
Kim: So what happened to her?
Mr. Dr P: Well, once she was accused, our little black sheep went on the lam.
Kim: How could anybody who did so much good go so bad?
Mr. Dr P: Ah, don't worry, Kimmie. I'm sure it won't happen to you.
Kim: Dad!
Mr. Dr P: Oh, that's not where you were going with this.
Kim: No. I just have a hunch that Mim's innocent.
Mr. Dr P: Well, they never found the stolen invention, and since she ran off, her reputation was ruined.
Kim: But if no one ever proved that she did it... there's still a chance that she didn't.
Wade: Maybe, but so what? It was a century ago, Kim.
Bonnie: Oh, yeah, stealing runs in the family. I always said all her best cheer moves were ripped off from me.
Ron: KP, dig it! I found this at home.
Kim: A journal of Johnathan Stoppable? Slammin'. Where'd you find this?
Ron: It's been under our kitchen table's wobbly leg for, like, ever. Just noticed it there this morning. Weird, huh? Ah, OK. Here it is. Today at the World's Fair, I saw the
future, and it's name is Taco.
Vendor: Hey, tacos here. Get your tacos.
Mim: Johnathan! John! You were supposed to meet me at the Hall of Electricity an hour ago.
Vendor: You want 'em or not?
Mim: He wants them. Trust me.
John: Crunchy, spicy, cheesy. I am one satisfied customer.
Vendor: My only satisfied customer.
John: Take heart, my good taco hawker. No one applauds real pioneers in their time.
Mim: Make haste, John. We must get to the Hall of Electricity before Professor DeMenz begins his demonstration.
John: What demonstration?
Mim: Everyone at the fair is atwitter about it. He calls it the...
Kim: Electrostatic Illuminator.
DeMenz: That's right! The Electrostatic Illuminator! A time I set it for 60 seconds. Now I will absorb, contain, and control power from the very air. Observe! When it goes off...
John: It's no taco.
DeMenz: Imagine how this marvel can be used.
Mim: Excuse me, Professor? Um, how can this marvel be used?
DeMenz: I said imagine, Miss. So go ahead. I'll wait.
John: You don't know what to do with it, do you, Professor?
DeMenz: Well, it makes lightning. That's got to be good for something, yeah?
Mim: Something dangerous, I'm afraid.
DeMenz: In the wrong hands, I suppose. Maybe. Stop that!
Mim: I'm concerned that some nefarious character might try to thieve it.
DeMenz: Oh my dear girl, you are a worrywart. What kind of nefarious character would be bent on wreaking such havoc?
Mim: Oh, I have...
Kim: ...a strong notion.
Ron: Who? Who?
Drakken: Two weeks?!
Exterminator: If they were normal termites, we'd be talking two or three days tops. But these seem to be mutant termites.
Drakken: Mutant?! Really? Well, I can assure you I have no idea how they got that way.
Exterminator: Mad scientists... always perverting nature in their twisted quest for power.
Drakken: The lair doesn't have to be tented the entire time, does it?
Exterminator: Oh, no. Out of the two weeks, the tent will only be up for, eh, 14 days.
Drakken: Thank goodness. ...Very funny.
Exterminator: Hey, I do what I can.
Drakken: But where will I hatch my evil schemes?
Shego: Relax, Dr. D. I took care of it.
Drakken: Ah, goo... Oh, no. Please, not the time-share lair. Oh, how I loathe this place.
Shego: What a mess. Oh, wait. Let me guess. Previous tenant, Professor Dementor?
Drakken: No. It's someone named DeMenz.
Shego: Doy. That's Dementor's real name.
Drakken: He uses a fake name?
Shego: Yeah, can you imagine? Drew Lipsky? Hold up! What does that say?
Drakken: "Collector plates, limited edition figurines and brick-a-brack. "Hmm. Not interested.
Shego: No, not that box. That one!
Drakken: The groundbreaking work of my ancestor that could be used to wreak havoc. All right. I'll bite. Electrostatic Illuminator. Why does that ring a bell? Can it be?
Shego: What?
Drakken: It would be an uncanny coincidence.
Shego: What?
Drakken: If this is what I think it is.
Shego: What!?
Drakken: It's a Lipsky family legend. I must possess it.
Shego: This thing is, like, 100 years old. Why are you interested in it?
Drakken: Because, Shego, the Electrostatic Illuminator is the reason I became a villain!
Shego: Dr. D, I thought you became a villain because of the guys who teased you in nerd school.
Drakken: Well, thank you for harshing my mellow, Shego. Now quickly, to my mother's attic.
Shego: All right. I'm going to go, but I am not sure why.
Kim: It's pretty amazing, really. A machine that can actually absorb the static electricity out of the air and fire it back like a bolt of lightening.
Ron: So now we know what the Electrostatic Illuminator was.
Kim: And that Mim was trying to keep it safe.
Rufus: What? Who?
Kim: What's the sitch, Wade?
Wade: We got a big break in the case. Get this. My great-great grand uncle Wayne was the expo photographer.
Ron: Are you kidding me? Another freaky coincidence?
Kim: So beyond the freaky factor, what have you got?
Wade: My great-great grand uncle Wayne's original pictures.
Kim: Really? Drakken? Shocked much?
Ron: It's the Spark Rocks. They work.
Kim: Wade, that can't really be Drakken.
Wade: It isn't. It's his ancestor.
Kim: Drakken had an ancestor there, too?
Ron: Oh, OK, you know what? This is just getting ludicrous.
Wade: Yep. Bartholomew Lipsky. Drakken's great-great grandfather.
Ron: Kim, you know what they say? The nut doesn't fall far from the tree.
Kim: Acorn, but you're right. A Lipsky on the scene can't be good.
Miss Go: I'm sick of waiting, Lipsky. Let's steal the fool thing and get it over with.
Lipsky: Patience, Miss Go. Tonight, when there are no witnesses, that is when we strike. And when the Electrostatic Illuminator is mine, the whole world's fair will bow before me... Uh, testing, one, two, three. And when the Electrostatic Illuminator is mine, the whole World's Fair will bow before me.
Drakken: Oh, I could listen to this over and over. I never could crack the mystery as a child. And yet it inspired me so. I was quite the evil little dreamer.
Shego: Uh-huh, yeah. And this is?
Ms. Lipsky: Oh, that's Mr. Cuddlesworth. Drewby's very favorite. Milk and cookies!
Drakken: Thank you, Mother. Try one, Shego. They have no calories.
Shego: Listen, before blankey and nappy nap, anyone want to enlighten me here?
Ms. Lipsky: Oh, great-great-pop-pop Lipsky got this as a souvenir at the Tri-City Expo. You know, Drew, they've got a big exhibit on the Expo down at the museum right this minute. Isn't that something?
Drakken: Really? This bears investigation.
Kim: Wow! So Drakken and Shego had ancestors there.
Ron: All right, team. Mystery solved. So, now anybody have a clue why these suddenly decided to work?
Kim: Ron, we still haven't proven Mim's innocence.
Wade: All these pics he took, he probably knows more. You should talk to Uncle Wayne.
Ron: Yeah, somehow a seance is not what I had mind for this afternoon. Thanks, though.
Wade: Uncle Wayne's still alive and kickin'. He was only 10 when he shot the expo.
Ron: You're 110?!
Wayne: And I still look better than you.
Kim: We were hoping you could help us.
Ron: She's obsessed with the good family name thing.
Wayne: You can see what I saw.
Ron: Ooh, ooh! Did they have seesaws at the fair too?
Wayne: You could be John's double.
Ron: Thank you.
Wayne: I was experimenting with nighttime exposures there. Taking pictures of everything and everybody. That's when I spotted Miriam and John.
John: Worrywart.
Mim: Hunch.
John: Worrywart.
Mim: Hunch.
John: Worrywart!
Mim: Johnathan, you have got to convince the chief.
John: OK, OK, I'll tell him to add more security. I'm going to pick him up right now.
Ron: Not the best exposure there, Wayne.
Wayne: It was 100 years ago. Things weren't all dumbed down and digital.
Kim: Yeah, but doesn't it kind of remind you of...
Ron: ...a squid juggling lunch meat?
Kim: Uh, Shego?
Ron: Oh! Yeah!
Mim: Professor DeMenz!
DeMenz: You! Help! Constable! Help!
Wayne: A photo captures a tick in time. Too bad for Mim I captured the wrong tick.
Kim: That is one incriminating picture.
Wayne: That was my last flash. The rest of my pictures that night might as well been of coal miners in a blackout.
Kim: OK. You couldn't take any more pictures. Well, did you see anything?
Wayne: Girl, it was dark. The fracas was too far away. The way I figured it, Mim must have been fighting the real thieves, but I couldn't say for sure.
Kim: Did you ever tell Chief Barkin? I'm sure he'd listen to you.
Ron: KP, we're talking about a Barkin here.
Wayne: He's right. I was a ten-year-old kid with a theory and Barkin was the chief of police with his own theory.
Ron: His theory made for an exciting headline.
Kim: What happened after that last flash?
Wayne: I can tell you this: I heard a racket coming from the Ferris wheel.
Lipsky: Toss up the Illuminator, Miss Go. No! Wait! Go back! Get the dingus! How do you stop this thing?
Wayne: By the time the chief pulled foot, the shyster done skedaddled.
Ron: Well, what happened to the dingus?
Wayne: The Electrostatic Illuminator was never found.
Kim: Hey, Wade, what up?
Wade: I've been digitally enhancing the old photos.
Wayne: Digitally enhancing... ew!
Wade: There's your proof.
Kim: Way to go, Wade. Can you make me some wallet-size?
Wade: Kim, that's not the weird part.
Kim: Oh, OK, weird me.
Wade: During the fight, I think the timer must've been accidentally set.
Kim: That's a lot of minutes.
Wade: 100 years worth.
Ron: Who cares about a hundred-year-old timer? Is this the wrong place to say that?
Kim: Ron, when Professor DeMenz set the thing to absorb static electricity for one minute, the bolt it fired out was huge.
Ron: So 100 years worth of minutes would be bad.
Wayne: If that contraption fires off a bolt, it could fry up the whole Tri-City.
Ron: OK, wait a minute. We don't know that this thing has been on all these years. I mean, maybe somebody found it and shut it off.
Wayne: John searched and searched. But he never found the thing to clear Mim's name.
Wade: Uh, Kim, adjusting for orbital variations and leap years, the Illuminator will discharge today.
Ron: Seriously, what are the chances?
Kim: If it's absorbed 100 years worth of energy, there's got to be some way to track it.
Ron: Quit hogging the Spark Rocks, buddy.
Kim: Get your head in the game, Ron. This is serious. That candy didn't spark like that when you got it.
Ron: Some things are just meant to stay a mystery.
Kim: The museum.
Ron: Another field trip?
Wayne: You don't have much going on in the upper story, do you, Spike?
Ron: The candy didn't work at the museum because the Electro- whatchama-jiggy-callit thing was sucking up all the static electricity.
Kim: Wade, how much time do you think we have left?
Wade: Hard to say exactly, but it looks like 15 minutes... tops.
Kim: We have got to get to the museum, fast!
Ron: Oh... Aah!
Guard: Whoa! Slow down! So you think a power surge from the exhibit is going to destroy the city?
Kim: The Electrostatic Illuminator that was stolen.
Guard: By your aunt.
Kim: She did not steal it. I've got the proof right here.
Ron: Kim, family name, or save the city?
Kim: Anyway, it's been sucking up power for 100 years. I'm sure the Electrostatic Illuminator is in this museum. If we're going to find it in time, we need your help.
Guard: Hmm. Sorry. It's not in our exhibit.
Kim: Good news, Wade?
Wade: No. The scanners are detecting a surging energy core but it's interfering with my equipment. I can't pinpoint it.
Kim: We only have ten minutes. Let's review what we know. That's where Mim was when she got the case. This is where they were when Mim almost fell. So, if it fell from the top... the taco stand! I can't believe John wouldn't have looked there.
Ron: Tacos?! It's a burger stand.
Kim: This picture was taken after that day. The taco stand must've gone out of business.
Ron: Real pioneers are never celebrated in their time.
Guard: Did you say taco stand?
Rufus: Over here!
Ron: Where is it? Where is it?
Kim: Is it there?
Ron: Found it!
Kim: That's not the Electrostatic Illuminator.
Ron: Oh. Right, yeah. I was looking for 100-year-old hot sauce. This stuff's got to pack a punch now.
Kim: It's in the taco.
Wade: Kim, be super careful. Any tampering with the internal mechanism will set it off.
Kim: There's got to be some way to disable it.
Wade: I haven't figured that part out yet.
Ron: No worries. I'm sure we've got a whole 60 seconds left.
Wade: Actually, 55 seconds.
Ron: Yeah, I got nothing. Rufus?
Rufus: Uh-uh.
Wade: 30 seconds.
Ron: Huh?
Kim: No way!
Drakken: I have succeeded where my ancestor failed!
Ron: Yeah, what are the chances that he'd swoop in and save us at the last minute?
Drakken: The staggering power of the Electrostatic Illuminator is mine!
Shego: Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait. Since when do you win?
Kim: I guess I better return the favor.
Shego: There must be a catch. ...Hey!
Drakken: Kim Possible! You think you're all that. But you're... Ah! You... You s-saved us.
Kim: It's a hero thing.
Shego: Oh, this is awkward.
Drakken: We must never speak of it again.
Kim: Fair enough.
Ron: This whole thing is weird.
Rufus: Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Ron: It's almost like a strange dream.
Barkin: Stoppable, Possible... come on! The exhibit's not that boring.
Ron: Wow.
Kim: I can't believe I just zoned out like that.
Ron: I can't believe the dream I had.
Kim: About our ancestors?
Ron: At the expo?
Kim: And Drakken and Shego too?
Ron: So we had the exact same dream?
Kim: Can't get much weirder than that.
Guy: Heads up!
Kim: No way.
Ron: I'm going to have to say, way.
Guy: Sorry about that, folks. Just bringing in the new exhibit.
Ron: Um, what was that dude's name?
Guy: Beats me.
Curator: Oh, that was the famous young gladiator, Ronacus.
Ron: OK, I mean, come on! There's got to be a connection.
Kim: Mm-mm. I'm standing by my "no way".
Curator: Well, Ronacus the Gladiator not only battled for survival, but to defeat the evil Drakkus Maximus. Some say that this mysterious masked warrior was the true key to the many victories of Ronacus.
Kim: Sounds about right.
Ron: Hey, who got the big statue? Uh, uh, boo-ya.
Kim: Whatever. Go on.
Curator: Well, the evil Drakkus Maximus was bent on conquering...