Odds Man In

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By wallaceb
Ron: So uh KP, you know I was wondering, what are you doing Saturday night? Whoa!
Kim: I’m guessing, Bueno Nacho, movie, three hours of you trying to win a stuffed frog from the claw machine at the Middleton Mall, drop!
Ron: Wait, are you saying that our date night has it a….
Kim: Rut! It could use some shacking up. Run!
Ron: Ah! You’re looking at a guy who happens to have two tickets to a formal event at Hotel Capri.
Kim: Serious? I’m in. oh good, Wade’s rescue is here. Finally something exciting to do.
Announcer: Welcome to the Actuary of the year awards. You know why…
Kim: Yep, real exciting.
Announcer: Our next presenter is best known…
Ron: Dad?
Ron’s Dad: Yes?
Ron: What is an actuary?
Ron’s Dad: Actuaries make mathematical models to ascertain risk.
Ron: Uh, come again.
Ron’s Dad: Ok, we evaluate the likelihood of catastrophic or other wise undesirable events.
Ron: So you guys book odds on people’s crookage?
Ron’s Dad: I think he’s got it.
Ron: Ok wait, so you’re saying a bull fighter has a lot more chance of major injury than say a pre-school teacher.
Ron’s Dad: before or after nap time?
Ron: After.
Ron’s Dad: 16.3% more.
Ron: Cool! Actuaries rule! Huh, I wonder what the odds of survival for a teen crime fighters are.
Drakken: I sent you to do one simple thing, one! Steal the atmosfreezer, and why didn’t you? The door was locked, of course the door was locked! Super secret think tanks aren’t known for their open door policies.
Henchman: Hey, what’s a 7 letter word for indifferent?
Drakken: Who cares?
Henchman: Thanks!
Drakken: Eh, oh. Look, would it kill you people to show some initiative once and a while?
Henchman: what’s in it for us?
Drakken: Just a little think called world domination. In my hands the atmosfreezer can usher in a new ice age and bring humanity to its frozen knees.
Shego: Yea, that’s your bag. Frankly the boys, not that into it.
Drakken: I pay you don’t I?
Henchman: Uh, no.
Drakken: Shego, do something! I’m loosing my legions of terror!
Hank: Oh, poor you. Hank Perkins, Hi, we’ve met.
Drakken: Perkins, oh! You’re the temp who filled in here once. Shego you called in a temp? One temp does not legion of terror make!
Hank: Oh I’m our of the temp game Dr. Drakken, working here, I stumbled onto a whole untapped market!
Shego: Villainy consultant?
Hank: Bingo. Innovative ways to create synergy and maximize evil output. Grand management, action plans, incentiveising…
Drakken: Stop, stop, stop, stop, I don’t need your fancy ideas college boy.
Hank: Look, if it’s about the money…
Drakken: It’s not about the money, I just have a tincy problem with the flow of my cash.
Hank: A problem is just a misunderstood opportunity. I’ll tell you what, just to get my foot in the door, if you don’t see improved evil in 6 weeks, my services are free.
Drakken: Hmm, I do like the sound of free.
Shego: Oh, it’s never about the money.
Ron: I’m telling you Kim, actuarially speaking you should have been toast in the 10th grade.
Kim: Yet, here I am.
Ron: Oh, would you mind moving over a lane? We’re 8 percent less likely to get into a bone mangling accident.
Kim: And you’re 15 percent more likely to tick off your girlfriend if you’re 100 percent less annoying.
Ron: Well, that doesn’t make any sense, where did you get your numbers?
Kim: Grrr.
Ron: Look KP, I just want to keep you safe, because if you got hurt, it’s too big a loss to compute.
Kim: That’s the most weirdly romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Ron: Halt! Don’t you ladies know that 60% of all slip and fall injuries occur because of wet floors? Whoa! Ow! Oh! Spotters! More spotters! Whoa! Ow!
Henchman: Easy there.
Henchman: You can do it.
Henchman: Way to go bub.
Drakken: Is this what I’m not paying for? Kiddy games?
Hank: It’s a trust exercise. The first thing I learned in business school, where I graduated with honors…
Drakken: Graduated with honors.
Hank: Is successful companies run on team work. Which is built on trust.
Drakken: Bunch of grad school hooey. Can I have a turn? It’s my lair.
Shego: Dr. D! Some body explain this.
Hank: The company organizational chart?
Shego: I know that! Why am I way down here at assistant manager for minor weaponry and office supplies?
Hank: Well, here at Drakken and company, we believe…
Shego: Whoa! I’ve been reduced to “and company”?
Hank: What can I say; you missed the brain stormer’s breakfast. But you are just in time to work on your team building skills. The goal is to help your team mates through the web without touching the ropes.
Shego: So about that “org” chart.
Hank: How does chief operating officer for random mayhem sound?
Shego: Throw in a company car, I’m good.
Ron: Uh-uh-uh.
Kim: This is ridiculous.
Ron: Hardly, do you know tongue burns lead to whole body infections in 3 our of 1 million cases? There now you can eat that with confidence.
Kim: Eh, so not hungry now. I have faced far worse than scaling Nacos and lived to tell. I’m a Possible, as in anything is. We defy the odds.
Ron: KP, do not anger the odds.
Kim: I like you, don’t I? What are the odds of that?
Ron: Slim to none.
Kim: See?
Ron: Which only proves my point? If you’re with me then what other statistical horrors can befall you?
Kim: Hey Wade, what’s the sitch?
Wade: Global warming.
Ron: Oh don’t get me started!
Wade: I mean some body just breached the security system of a lab that’s ding advanced global warming tech.
Kim: We’re on it.
Ron: Drakken’s goons?
Kim: I guess. But these goons actually seem competent.
Drakken: Please, refer to them as team members. It builds their self esteem.
Henchman: Easy there.
Henchman: You can do it!
Henchman: Way to go bub.
Drakken: Wow Shego, look at them go!
Shego: That new bonus driven incentive system really works.
Ron: Oh wow, these numbers do not look good! I got your back KP!
Kim: Ron!
Ron: Don’t you think your odds are a little better when you skate away from big metal objects that are about to crush you?
Kim: You were saying? So you see Mr. Stoppable, as actuary of the year, I thought you could reassure Ron that I’m really ok.
Ron: Dad, have you been under here recently? Look at this, one more plug and this place can light up like the 4th of July.
Rufus: Oh boy.
Kim: See?
Ron’s Dad: Son, I am thrilled that the actuarial world has captured your imagination.
Ron: It’s not my imagination that Kim’s in statistical danger. The numbers don’t lie.
Ron’s Dad: Let’s just see about that. Factoring in Kim’s extraordinary abilities, it’s my professional opinion that she is in no more danger saving the world than the average skate boarding student is going to school.
Ron: Really?
Ron’s Dad: Really. And as for you, wow, it’s a miracle.
Ron: What? Oh… I should have been toast in 10th grade.
Drakken: The results speak for themselves. Corporate works.
Shego: Oh no, causal Friday?
Drakken: Who knew Chinos are so comfy?
Shego: Oh, oh yea, bleats, the fierce new look in evil. Yea, can we please just fire up the atmosfreezer?
Drakken: Shego, did you even read the memo?! The atmosfeezer requires huge amounts of energy to be cranked up to the ridiculously dangerous level needed for my evil scenes.
Shego: And the power drain would alert the authorities to our location. Wow, an actual learning curve.
Drakken: All I need is a large urban area where it would blend in with all the other squandering of our precious resources. I just haven’t found that place yet.
Hank: Good news, I just diversified our companies product base.
Drakken: Way to go Hank! What does that mean exactly?
Hank: I bought out a cupcakery in down town Upperton.
Shego: cupcakery?
Hank: There is a gourmet cupcake craze and we are going to be in front of it.
Drakken: Cupcakes! I am not about to risk my reputation as a prevailer of human suffering to sell cupcakes! Oh, oh, um, they are yummy.
Shego: You know Dr. D, no one would ever suspect an atmosfreezer to be stashed inside a cupcake shop.
Drakken: Of course they wouldn’t, it would be insane…. Oh yes, yes I like it. Shego, you just earned an atta-boy. Girl?
Hank: It’s all about branding. I added the word gourmet a flashy new logo, and charge three times as much as our nearest competitor.
Drakken: Hank’s?
Hank: Yes, we focus tested Dr. D’s, but everybody associated it with shampoo for some reason.
Drakken: Oh you know what, who cares. Would you look at the dough we are making? Get it? “Dough” he-he.
Shego: Actually, cupcakes are made with batter, and don’t start licking the spoon, because there’s some bad news on the new ice age.
Henchman: You need three more strategically placed atmosfreezers in order to lower the temperature enough to satisfy your evil needs.
Drakken: You work for me?
Becker: Becker Sir. Assistant manger for unexpected setbacks. I won the office baseball pool last week.
Drakken: Oh yes! Good on you.
Becker: Replicating the atmosfreezer will be easy enough, the problem is that we will need 3 more locations and substantial capital to fund the construction.
Hank: You should see these cupcake profits. It’s really too bad we only have one store, demand is out stripping supply three to one.
Drakken: A problem is just a misunderstood opportunity. Time to franchise!
Kim: Still a no show on that atmosfeeezer Wade?
Wade: Yea, it’s freaky, you’d think that something with that kind of power drain would be obvious.
Kim: Well, keep looking.
Wade: You bet. BTW, have you tried Hank’s Gourmet Cupcakes yet? The Moca Mania is the bomb!
Kim: Maybe I’ll pick up a dozen and bring them to the Ronness after school.
Wade: How is Mr. Sunshine?
Ron: KP.
Kim: Uh, Ron?
Ron: Three little words, electro-magnetic field radiation. Well ok, not exactly little. Found a website about it, these electro-whatever’s are every where!
Kim: Is that right?
Ron: Not to worry, here.
Kim: I’ll take my chances with the electro-thingies.
Ron: E-F-R’s, and they can cause all sorts of bad things. Yea, bunions, over bite, memory problems.
Guy: Hey, you forgot this.
Ron: See? Gha!
Kim: Exactly Ron, anything can get you, any time, so if you’re gunna live like this, you might as well never leave home.
Hank: The gourmet cupcake concern represents a huge improvement in company performance.
Shego: Gotta give you props suit man, almost makes me glad I didn’t vaporize you earlier. Almost.
Becker: All the atmosfreezers are activated. Temperatures are dropping in all 4 locations.
Drakken: What about Cleveland?
Becker: Sir, we don’t have an atmosfreezer in, in Cleveland.
Drakken: I’m not talking to you. I’m on a cupcake conference call.
Hank: With the supply chain in place through out the mid west, we could open Cleveland by June.
Drakken: Hmm, June’s doable.
Shego: Please tell me there is someone else on that conference call. I thought the point of this was to bring the world to its frozen knees?
Drakken: Well yes, but what is wrong with a little multitasking? Out of the box Shego.
Shego: What box?
Drakken: The one you are thinking inside. You see cause… you ha… you, ah Shego, it’s corporate jargon never mid.
Kim: Huh?! Snow… in spring? Wade?
Wade: I know. The weather.
Kim: I’m thinking…
Wade: The atmosfreezer?
Kim: Drakken. Can you beep Ron?
Wade: Already on it. But I’m not getting any answer.
Kim: Ron?
Ron’s voice: In here.
Kim: Ron? What is this?
Ron: Panic room.
Kim: Of course it is.
Ron: 5 inch thick walls of solid steel. And the only place I feel safe from the statistical cruelties of this world.
Kim: Ron, this is so a Drakken plot.
Ron: Weather? Ah, didn’t he already do weather?
Kim: Only difference is, for some reason it’s working this time.
Ron: Which is impressive, I mean the odds against him are tremendous.
Kim: I don’t care about odds, I care about backup! Which I need.
Ron: You don’t want me Kim. I’m an accident waiting to happen.
Kim: Ron, you’re not gunna…
Ron: I’ll be here, with a years worth of nacos, high speed internet, and those cupcakes which are terrific by the way.
Kim: But I…
Ron: Kim, Rufus, I’m sorry, it’s how is has to be.
Drakken: Perkins, what’s the take away?
Hank: Global temperatures are plummeting.
Drakken: Good, good.
Hank: And sales at our new Miami store are beating projections.
Drakken: Ooo, it’s a win-win.
Shego: Would you two stop that!
Drakken and Hank: Ahh!
Shego: Am I the only one around here keeping her eye on the prize?
Drakken: Shego, the new ice age is still days away. Besides, I’m thinking about spinning off this whole freeze the world division.
Shego: What?!
Drakken: Eh, no cross promotion value. Can’t very well hand out icebergs to the little kiddies at the take out window now can you?
Shego: Grr!
Drakken: Oo, Shego, don’t go all green on us. We’re still gunna take over the world, new school.
Hank: We’re taking our cupcake concern public with a big Wall Street splash next week.
Drakken: Finally, I get to kick it with the big boys.
Henchman: Intruders!
Wade: You know this whole mission thing looks a lot easier on my monitor back home.
Kim: Are you stalling?
Wade: No! I just want to check if I brought the motion deactivator. Got it! Drakken is behind Hank’s Gourmet Cupcakes?!
Kim: Bummer, they are yummy.
Wade: Uh, I got it Kim, I’ll stun him.
Kim: Wade no!
Wade: Kim!
Wade: This sidekick thing is a lot harder than Ron made it look too.
Ron: I’m in a safe place now, nothing can hurt me. I’m in a safe place now, nothing can hurt me. Ahh! Rufus?! How… oh wait until I see that sales man at the panic room dealership! Ahh! Kim’s in trouble! I knew this was statistically inevitable bu-bu-but that ca I do? I can’t go back out there! Not with the odds stacked against me. Ow!
Wade: Ron… you…
Rufus: Hmm?
Ron: I can’t go in alone! Do you know the odds of me fighting off Drakken’s henchmen, rescuing Kim, and saving the world from a new ice age? Note, solar power calculators worthless in panic room!
Ron’s Dad: Ronald? I should have told you what you learned when you spend your whole life calculating hazards.
Ron: What?
Ron’s Dad: Some things are worth the risk.
Kim: Eh, Wade?
Wade: Kim! You’re ok? Uh, relatively speaking. Huh, funny, my mom always said too much chocolate would be bad for me.
Drakken: No mere chocolate, chocolate gnash!
Kim: chocolate gnash? What’s gnash?
Drakken: Equal parts dark chocolate and fresh dairy cream. Simple but delicious on everything, you’ll see. Lower them!
Henchman: Sorry there boss, but that isn’t in my skills set. You’re gunna want the assistant manager for climatic action.
Drakken: Fine, go get him.
Rufus: Whoa!
Ron: Sure they’re a well oiled machine, but they don’t have Ron’s secret weapon.
Rufus: Huh?
Ron: Paranoia and irrational fear! You know 38% of all splinter mishaps are caused by manual lifting. Did you know you have a 17% chance of loosing your good looks practicing martial arts without the correct padding? Yep, one out of every two home made explosive devices backfire.
Drakken: Hmm, finally! I hope you’re not expecting a year end bonus. I guess this is our final good bye Kim Possible and your sidekick wannabe. Who knew revenge would be so… sweet.
Wade: Isn’t this when you’re supposed to say “you’ll never get away with it”?
Kim: Only when I’m absolutely positive he won’t.
Drakken: Double dip them!
Wade: Well, there are worse ways to go.
Kim: Ron!
Ron: Can I get a bo-ya?!
Kim and Wade: Ahh!
Ron: On it!
Drakken: Get them!
Henchman: No way.
Henchman: We’re taking the early retirement package.
Drakken: But our incentive program?
Henchman: We got a better incentive.
Henchman: Yea, to live.
Henchman5: Huh, way to go bub.
Kim: Ron, I can’t believe…
Ron: Yea, I know.
Wade: Uh, guys? I’m still here.
Ron: Oh…
Kim: Right, Ron, the atmosfreezers.
Ron: I’m on it.
Shego: So, how many sidekicks can one crime fighting cheer leader bring?
Ron: Juts evening the odds. Wha! Whaha!
Rufus: Oh no.
Wade: On the up side, Ron’s surviving way longer than I thought he would.
Kim: Isn’t it romantic?
Ron: Statistically speaking there’s a 99% chance that what ever you do to me is gunna hurt real bad.
Shego: Oh, you can count on it.
Kim: Check your figures Shego. Ron, you were awesome.
Ron: Yea, I know. Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Hank: Time to go live on an updated action plan, Run!
Drakken: This is going to negatively impact third quarter performance.
Kim: Ron, look out, you can slip.
Ron: There’s a good chance of it. And you know what, I don’t care. Give it up for the new Ron Stoppable, risk taker.
Kim: But, you’re still gunna ride in the back seat?
Ron: Well, I may be a risk taker, but momma didn’t raise no fool, a yup, yup.
Shego: It’s bad enough you didn’t take over the world, again, now we’re stuck with the cupcakes.
Drakken: That low carb trend was coming, should have been in front of it.
Shego: A problem is just a misunderstood opportunity.
Drakken: Are you going to help me with these or not?
Shego: who?! Ok, that’s taking casual Fridays too far.