Number One

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By wallaceb
Girls: M-A-D D-O-G. That's how we spell victory. Go, Mad Dogs. Go, go, Mad Dogs. Go, Mad Dogs. Go, go, Mad Dogs
Kim: We're number one! Okay! Great practice, team.
Bonnie: Kim, can we chat?
Kim: Sure, Bonnie. I have time for anyone on the squad. What's your ish?
Bonnie: Well, it's really your ish. You seem tired.
Kim: I did fly in from Abu Dhabi this morning. Rescued an ambassador.
Bonnie: Which is... nice, but you gotta ask yourself, did you give the squad 110 percent today?
Kim: 120 percent, Bonnie.
Bonnie: I happen to think the squad deserves a captain who gives... like, 130!
Kim: Someone like...?
Bonnie: Me!
Kim: Look, if you wanna make a play for captain, take it to the squad. If they want Bonnie instead of Kim, super for Bonnie.
Bonnie: Go ahead, be little miss smug-mug, but I will be squad captain.
Kim: I can't believe this!
Ron: Believe it, KP they're cutting back on beans.
Kim: sigh
Rufus: yawn
Ron: Rufus, I want an analysis of this burrito, stat.
Rufus: Yum!
Ron: Nothing invasive, just take a look around. I want a cheese- bean ratio.
Rufus: Mmm-hmm!
Kim: Ron! Have you been listening to a word I've said?
Ron: "Bonnie has the nerve to challenge me, after all I've done for the squad? After all I've done for her? I can't believe this!" Close quote. Now, were you listening to my burrito problem? Hey!
Rufus: Mmm, burrito!
Kim: Bonnie's just wasting her time. She doesn't stand a chance.
Ron: Be careful, Kim. She's tricky. Expect it to get dirty. Kim?
Kim: Wow! Hey! Let me out! Let me out...! Okay, what's the sitch?
Dr Director: Kim possible. Welcome.
Kim: Welcome to where?
Dr Director: To the Global Justice Network.
Kim: GJ? No way!
Dr Director: Affirmative way. I'm Dr. Director, head of GJ. This is Will Doo, our number one agent. Follow me. This is Professor Sylvan Green. In the 1960s, he developed a top secret missile defense project.
Kim: The Sirenita Guided Missile Tracking System.
Dr Director: Where did you get that information?
Kim: Off the web.
Dr Director: Oh. Uh... This is Professor Green
currently. Retired. Place of residence: Florida.
Kim: And now he's disappeared.
Dr Director: Yes. Was that on the internet, too?
Kim: No, that was a guess.
Dr Director: Kim, what would you say to helping agent Do find Professor Green?
Kim: Does agent Doo talk?
Will: 14 languages, 32 regional dialects.
Kim: That's cool. I'm taking French. Um, this is a ferociously bad time for me. There's this girl at school, a major "all that" type, and really...
Will: Dr. Director. Permission to speak freely.
Dr Director: Granted.
Will: This is an insult. I am a highly trained professional! She's... She's... an amateur!
Kim: Okay... I'm in.
Dr Director: Kim Possible, agent Doo, good luck.
Ron: Man, I thought for sure Bonnie had taken you out of the picture.
Kim: Oh, please. She didn't even show up for practice.
Will: Miss possible, are you ready to assist me in my investigation?
Kim: Assist you? No. Work with you as an equal, yeah.
Ron: Yo-ha, bro-ha.
Kim: What did you do to him?
Will: Stopwatch. Temporary paralysis. Standard procedure for anyone who comes within one meter of my person.
Kim: Oh, poor Rufus!
Will: Note: Subject seems to keep hairless rodent in pant pocket.
Kim: His name is Rufus, and he's a naked mole rat, Mr. I-know- everything.
Will: Ah. Hydrocephalus glaber.
Kim: Latin. Oy!
Ron: Yo-ha, bro-ha! Right back at ya, dude.
Kim: Come on, you two.
Bonnie: Hi, K.
Kim: Missed you at practice, B.
Bonnie: I had to launch our new fundraiser.
Kim: What? Fundraiser?
Bonnie: I know your "world-saving" keeps you busy and all. You think maybe you could sell a box?
Kim: Oh, chocolates. I could sell a box… easy.
Bonnie: Super. Hoping to sell a few myself. Later.
Kim: You know, she's only kidding herself. There's no way she's gonna sell all that. Let's just get on with the mission.
Ron: Wait, KP Am I the only one taking the Bonnie problem seriously?
Kim: The Bonnie problem is really no big.
Ron: Kim, we cannot ignore the chocolate challenge.
Kim: We?
Ron: I'm here for you. Use me!
Kim: As what?
Ron: I'm a natural born seller. I have the gift of gab. Here. Allow me to demonstrate.
Ron: Good day, sir. You look like a gentleman who enjoys the finer things in life. And what could be better than 1.9 ounces of rich, creamy chocolate? I got plain. Crispy? Peanut? Macadamia! It's for a good cause. cheerleaders. You like cheerleaders, don't ya? That's a bad example. No one can sell to that stiff.
Rufus: Whoo!
Ron: Except him. But he's naked.
Mrs. Dr P: Hi, Kimmie. Who's your new friend?
Will: Agent Will Do, ma'am. It's an honor to meet you Dr. Possible.
Mrs. Dr P: You know me?
Will: Your recent paper on the application of lasers and sub-cranial exploration was fascinating. And the
photograph did not do you justice.
Mrs. Dr P: Invite him over more often.
Kim: Mom, I've got to find a missing scientist.
Mrs. Dr P: Good luck, Kimmie. Have fun, kids.
Kim: Wade, did you get the data?
Wade: Got it. A holographic simulation of the missing professor's home.
Ron: Cool! Hey, Rufus. Wade's gone 3-D.
Rufus: Hmm...
Will: I already examined the crime scene.
Kim: I haven't. Wade, enlarge the point of entry.
Rufus: Whoa!
Kim: Explosive method of entry. What's that?
Wade: Can't tell. I'll isolate and enlarge.
Kim: Good, now let's try to fill in the blanks.
Wade: Running extrapolation routine.
Ron: A golf ball?
Will: Professor Green was retired. Many retired people golf.
Kim: Wade, does Professor Green show up in any online discussion groups?
Wade: Oh, yeah. Gardening, botany, experimental fertilizers. His lawn won the Blue Grass Ribbon three years in a row!
Will: Goodbye, Wade. This is pointless. The man was obviously captured for his weapon system expertise.
Kim: He was a weapons expert in the '60s. You can look up what he knows in the library.
Will: Working with an amateur is clearly a waste of my time.
Kim: I haven't even told you about the other trace element I detected at the scene.
Will: What is it?
Kim: Hyperactic acid, an experimental fertilizer. Black market only.
Ron: Sounds like we need to visit the world headquarters for black market gardening supplies. Which would be where?
Kim: If it's illegal, they sell it here.
Ron: Forget sellers. We need buyers! Ya gotta move this merchandise to keep up with Bonnie.
Kim: Bonnie is so not a threat. Come on. That's Big Daddy Brotherson. Every deal that goes down has his fingerprints all over it.
Ron: Those are some big fingers.
Will: Excuse me, amateurs. Are you Big Daddy?
Big Daddy: That depends.
Will: I've got no time for games.
Big Daddy: That's too bad. I was going to suggest you and my friend play thud.
Will: "Thud"? Ow!
Big Daddy: I love that game.
Kim: And I love it when I find out what I need to know. Like who's been in the market for hyperactic acid?
Big Daddy: Miss, we have one rule in this establishment: Client confidentiality. Is that... milk chocolate?
Kim: with chewy nougat. Duff Killigan.
Ron: Who's that?
Will: My GJ mobile database will tell us all about Killigan. Standard issue for all top agents.
Kim: Kimmunicator. Extra special. Just for me. Duff Killigan. Born Scotland.
Will: Former professional golfer.
Ron: Uh... Guys?
Will: Banned from every golf course in the world, even mini golf.
Kim: For excessive displays of temper.
Duff: Fore!
Ron: Guys?
Kim: Weapon of choice...
Will: Exploding golf balls.
Ron: Rufus, you okay?
Rufus: Okay!
Ron: Hey! You're paying for that.
Will: It all fits. The exploded golf ball at the crime scene. The attack on us. Killigan's our man.
Kim: Gee, ya think? Wade, we're after a rogue golfer named Duff Killigan. We need a location on his lair.
Wade: Did you say rogue golfer?
Kim: I know. Weird. Okay. I'm gonna go back to Middleton. See if Bonnie sold any of her chocolate.
Kim: You sold them all?!
Bonnie: To quote our previous squad captain, "no big."
Kim: I'm not previous yet.
Tara: Thanks to Bonnie, we got new uniforms! Aren't they badical?
Bonnie: Better suit up, Kim. We're working on a new cheer.
Kim: Don't tell me what to do. Wait... what new cheer?
Bonnie: Mine.
Kim: Bonnie does not work this hard. Something is up.
Ron: Hey, Will, watch this. Pretty cool, huh?
Will: If by "cool," you mean utterly repulsive, then yes, quite cool indeed.
Ron: Nice one! So, can I ask you a question?
Will: If you must.
Ron: Do you do normal stuff, like go to school?
Will: I'm tutored by some of the world's greatest minds.
Ron: Tutored, huh? No shame in that. Even I needed a little extra help in math freshman year.
Will: It's not because I'm remedial!
Ron: Dude, it's cool.
Will: You obviously don't understand.
Ron: That'd be Wade. Better get Kim.
Will: I'm not remedial!
Bonnie: In case you're wondering Kim! That’s what giving 150 percent looks like.
Kim: Careful, Bonnie. I hear when you hit 160, you spontaneously combust.
Ron: K.P., we got a location on Duff Killigan.
Bonnie: Don't worry, Kim. I'll handle everything here.
Kim: Let's go. Bonnie is not this good. How could she have come up with that cheer?
Ron: Somebody's tweaked.
Kim: Am not. Wade, we need a ride.
Wade: What tweaked you?
Kim: I am not tweaked. Ride! Wade, how did you get... Oh.
Will: The GJ hover-jet. Standard issue for all... top agents. Ladies first.
Kim: Thanks.
Ron: There it is. Killigan's island! What?
Will: Killigan must want Green to build some kind of missile system.
Kim: I don't think so. Green's green thumb's the key to all of this.
Ron: Okay, now, see that door? That just screams dungeon.
Both: Good call.
Kim: Killigan captures Professor Green, then he buys a ton of hyperactic acid. Which, by the way, Professor Green was experimenting with. Award-winning lawn!
Ron: You mean, dude's invented some sort of super grass? There's something you don't see everyday.
Kim: Ron, Will, quick! I found Professor Green. Professor Green, are you all right?
Ron: Hang on.
Professor Green: Thank you. Killigan trapped me in my own super fast-growing grass.
Kim: Super grass. Huh. Really?
Will: Professor Green, I'm agent Will Doo. We need to debrief on any weapon secrets Killigan may have acquired.
Professor Green: Based on my work? He could find out anything he wanted about my weapons work in a public library.
Will: Oh.
Ron: Bonus question. What does Killigan want with super grass?
Duff: Ooh! Ooh! I know! I know!
Kim: Duff Killigan is planning on covering the world in grass to create one giant golf course.
Duff: My own personal golf course, lassie.
Will: That's insane!
Duff: Ooh, just see if you get tea time.
Kim: Ah, ah! Ladies first.
Duff: I knew you were good, lassie. Him I'm not so sure about.
Kim: Mr. Killigan, put down the golf clubs.
Duff: You'll have to pry them out of my cold, dead hands, you will. Fore! Oh, what a beautiful slice! You ruined my coat of arms!
Kim: I'll put back what belongs to you when you put back what belongs to Professor Green.
Duff: I cannot do it. I got plans for that formula! I'd love to play a round of sudden death, but I can't let the grass grow beneath my feet... yet.
Ron: Suddenly, the whole world is full of holes that people just whoosh away in.
Kim: Come on, he's getting away! There he is!
Will: We've got to get to the hover-jet.
Kim: Will... Wait!
Will: What? He's getting away!
Kim: You've got to be more careful. Killigan probably has the place booby-trapped.
Ron: Try sand-trapped! Okay, whenever you two are ready.
Will: What are you talking about?
Ron: You both have a plan. So the sooner you guys fight over who has the best plan, the sooner we get outta here.
Kim: Your hover-jet. It must have a remote command module or something.
Will: Right. The RCM.
Ron: Kim shoots, she scores! So where is this RCM?
Will: I, uh, left it in the hover-jet.
Kim: Rufus won't sink in the quicksand. Oh, I am so in the zone.
Will: Impressive... for an amateur.
Rufus: Huh?
Ron: This actually feels kinda nice. Rufus!
Will: Nice work, rodent.
Kim: Ladies first.
Will: Why must she constantly irk me?
Ron: its hard not to. You're very irk able.
Will: Professor, did Killigan...
Kim: You! Keep your eyes on the road!
Ron: So Prof, any ideas about Killigan's target?
Professor Green: Oh, yes, he intends to strike at the first country where he was banned from a golf course… Japan.
Duff: its pure dang brilliant!
Kim: Killigan! Stop!
Duff: Nay! Not until the Pacific Rim is my driving range!
Will: Stupid, stupid Will!
Ron: Play it off, dude. Kim can handle the grass man.
Will: No. Prepare to eject.
Ron: Okay, where do I sit... Ahhh! Ow!
Duff: No one can dodge my short game! Are you daft, man?
Ron: Maybe you gotta set it for local time.
Kim: Ha! You missed!
Duff: It's a wedge, lassie. It's got backspin!
Ron: Kim!
Kim: Huh.
Duff: You're in trouble now, lassie.
Kim: No, I'm not. You are.
Duff: And how would that be?
Kim: You've got dandelions.
Duff: A wee weed? Ha!
Kim: Sure. But see every one of these little cottony things? They're seeds, every one of them.
Duff: Aye? So?
Kim: So, make a wish.
Duff: Oh, no! You're through now, lassie. Get this weed out of me mouthie!
Kim: Should we have him arrested, or mowed?
Will: I'll have GJ send in a defoliation team.
Ron: Or you could just give the neighbor kid five bucks.
Will: Humor. Amusing.
Kim: Okay, bye, nice to meet you. Gotta get home to have another thorn removed from my side.
Duff: Bonsai!
Kim: Thanks. I gotta get one of those stopwatches.
Will: Miss Possible... Uh, Kimberly... I owe you... an apology.
Kim: I'm glad you're a big enough person to admit it.
Will: You were of much assistance to me on this mission.
Kim: Assistance? Did you not pay attention to anything that happened?
Will: Farewell, Kim Possible.
Kim: I do not believe that guy! He won't even consider that maybe someone else deserves some credit. Maybe somebody else is as good as him.
Ron: Maybe better.
Kim: Yes!
Ron: We should get back to Middleton.
Kim: You know, how hard is it to admit that somebody else is doing a great job?
Ron: Seriously, Kim, we've gotta get back. You've got that whole Bonnie thing.
Kim: Oh, and Bonnie? When will she just give it up? The fundraiser, the uniforms, the "new cheer."
Ron: KP...
Kim: You're right, Ron. We gotta go.
Tara: Uh, I really think we should wait for Kim before we decide who's gonna be captain.
Bonnie: She's gonna be, like, forever. I want this captain thing decided now!
Kim: Relax, Bonnie. I'm back.
Bonnie: Let's do it.
Kim: Fine by me. I... vote for Bonnie as the new captain.
Bonnie: You do?
Kim: Well, the fundraising, the awesome uniforms and that new cheer? I've gotta admit, you rock.
Bonnie: Really?
Kim: So, all in favor of Bonnie?
Girls: All right, Bonnie! Way to go!
Kim: You've worked really hard for this.
Bonnie: Yes! Glad that's over.
Kim: Bonnie, you're the captain now! You do realize the hard work's just beginning?
Bonnie: You're kidding, right?
Kim: You know, suddenly I couldn't be happier for you.
Ron: Captain Bonnie.
Bonnie: I've gotta keep working hard?! This is so unfair!
Ron: You count on the fact she'll only last a month?
Kim: I give her two weeks, tops.